Paris Hilton--Celery of Humanity

Yeah, she might as well be the first.

I went to Google, typed in 'Paris Hilton' and hit 'I'm feeling lucky,' and was surprised to end up at the Wikipedia page about her. I thought for sure there would be some sort of tribute page, or maybe an exploitation one.

But I realized that the reason the wiki page popped to the top was because there's not just one place to find information about her. Checking out the full google search showed twenty-two million, four hundred thousand hits for 'Paris Hilton.'

And now it's twenty-two million, four hundred thousand and one.

For the record: I am not fascinated with Paris Hilton. I'm fascinated with the fascination about Paris Hilton. That's really what this site's about, isn't it?

Anyways, from her Wiki page:

Paris Whitney Hilton (born February 17, 1981) is an American socialite, singer, actress, and fashion model. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, and to the real estate fortune of her father, Richard Hilton.

Hilton is a socialite in both Manhattan and Los Angeles and she has been described as a celebutante, a portmanteau of celebrity and debutante.[1] She initially became well known due to her participation in the reality series, The Simple Life, and also 1 Night in Paris; an unauthorized sex video of her with her then-boyfriend Rick Salomon, which was leaked onto the Internet in late 2003. She has since branched out into many careers, and recently, as of August 2006, she has launched a serious bid at a music career with her debut pop album Paris.

'Portmanteau' in this case does not refer to the two-chambered piece of luggage, but the combining of two words to make a third.

Apparently, Paris Hilton is also the Spork of Humanity.

Socialite, singer, actress, and fashion model. That's an impressive CV. Let's examine those jobs, shall we?

Socialite: Webster's online defines it as 'a socially prominent person.' Wikipedia adds that this person (usually a woman) '...spends a significant amount of his or her time and resources entertaining and being entertained.'

Okay, so she does that, and apparently well. But is it a job? Is it a career? Does the fact that she knows how to be entertained warrant all this attention? Maybe not. Maybe it's the other things that she does that explains the fascination. So we continue.

Singer: She's got her own boutique label on Warner Records; so far she's signed exactly one singer to her label: herself. She assembled a phalanx of producers and musicians and the like, and managed to squeeze out nearly 40 minutes of dance music. It got mixed reviews, and managed to push one song up to #18 on the billboard hot 100 chart. Impressive, but consider this: Bruce Willis got up to #5 on the chart with 'Respect Yourself;' Eddie Murphy's 'Party All the Time' made it to #2. My favorite review came from Stylusmagazine.com, which looked at the album less as a commercial and/or artistic venture, and more like the ultimate test of the starmaking machinery behind the popular song:

If given the most talentless, unlikable persona imaginable, can it turn out a decent pop record? The answer is a qualified “yes”—Paris is poppy and catchy, and it gets out of the way after 11 songs. If an army of songwriters and million-dollar producers can make Paris Hilton listenable, even for only 38 minutes, then no one else with a major-label budget behind them has any excuse.

Actress: According to her IMDB page, her latest movie, The Hottie and the Nottie, is in production. However, her most famous roles star Paris as Paris--The Simple Life, and 1 Night in Paris. When one of the main pieces of your filmography is done entirely in night vision, you're not an actress.

Fashion Model: Okay--this one is truly beyond me. Not the concept of Paris Hilton as a Fashion Model--the whole 'fashion' thing. I've just found out that it's no longer cool to push the sleeves up on your white sportcoat anymore. However I do know that 'Fashion Week' has just ended, so if you're a fashion model, you'd be working this thing, right?

Right?

Apparently not.

Whenever 'Fashion Week' and 'Paris Hilton' appear together in web searches, it's a discussion on how she's NOT appearing at any Fashion Week events. And the thing is--she's not not appearing as a model, she's not not appearing in the audience.

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Let me get this straight: this non-singing, non-acting, non-model is a non-spectator--and people are writing about it?

Something that I feel truly illuminates Paris' place in popular culture: Her Wikipedia page is not very big, or even very expansive. However, there's a dispute on the neutrality of the page. When this happens on wikipedia, a 'talk' page is created. The relatively short entry on the life of Paris Hilton has a talk page with 38 separate threads--from 'Rumours of being a slut,' through 'Paris Hilton Sings and Vomits,' and ending (for now) with the angry/plaintive/futile 'This is a talk page for discussion of the article about Paris Hilton. It is NOT for discussion of Paris Hilton herself, unless that discussion involves improving the article.'

A lot of attention is being paid to someone whose claim to fame is that she's good at being entertained.

Ladies and gentlemen: the first stalk on the celery of humanity: Ms Paris Hilton.

yeharr