Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Donald Trump: Arrogant Celery of Humanity

Can you think of any other real estate developer who has the kind of fame Donald Trump enjoys?

Let's not forget: long before he became a "reality" TV star, he was primarily a real estate developer. So how'd he become a household name outside of New York?

Was it the cheating on wife number one? The subsequent dumping of wife number two? The astonishingly scary hair? The odd manner in which he speaks? The constant loud blathering and harsh criticism of others?

And how is it that he's managed to convince three women to marry him? I know, I know. Money. Power. Fame. Plenty of women dig that. I still don't get it. Hell, I'd love to live a comfortable life, too... but spending time with the likes of him seems far too high a price to pay for that.

I'd suggest that someone who feels the need to put his name on all these products is compensating for some kind of shortcoming:

  • Donald J. Trump Men's Collection
    Trump Ice bottled water
    Trump Vodka
    Trump Magazine
    Trump Golf
    Trump Old Fashioned Ice Cream Parlor (in Trump Tower, NY, NY)
    Trump Bar (in Trump Tower, NY, NY)
    Trump Buffet (in Trump Tower, NY, NY)
    Trump University
    Trump The Game (1989 Board Game)

Not to mention all the buildings that bear his name.

Do you think he keeps his hair looking so hideous because of all the attention it gets? You know, in that "all publicity is good publicity" kind of way?

I'll admit it; I watched the first season of "The Apprentice," as millions of others did. I even enjoyed it, moreso when he was not on camera. He was not part of the appeal for me. So I'm at a loss to explain why anyone cares about what he says or does or marries or battles.

Donald Trump: Blowhard Celery of Humanity.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Zsa Zsa Gabor--Old Skool Celery of Humanity

Yeah, I know--she's on the far side of 90 and has had a stroke, but we should probably celebrate the original celery of the celebrity age.

Where to begin? So much modern culture has passed between her legs. Her first lover may have been a man who created a country. Her latest (and God willing, last) lover may have created Anna Nicole's baby.

And in between, she did the horizontal mambo with Paris Hilton's Great-Granddaddy, the original Urbane Villain, and the most successful toy inventor of the last fifty years.

That's a lot of fucking.

Yes, Zsa Za listed her profession as an actress, and she was, of sorts. Mostly, she played herself. She made a living out of turning what most would consider bad behavior into press coverage. Even when she boorishly slapped a cop in the early 1990's, she turned that into a few acting gigs. But, she did--especially early on--play other sorts of roles. However, she wasn't very good.

How bad was she? Well, her career took second place to her sister Eva's, who was best known for having a pig as a costar.

Zsa Zsa's career is based solely on what she could bring to the bedroom.

But it was a strange brand of sexuality that she brought to the media. TV was all about sex in the 1960's, but it could never be mentioned. Sex was the original elephant in the room, and that sort of attitude fit Zsa Zsa to a tee.

There's the apocryphal story of an early-sixties appearance on The Tonight Show that, while most likely false, truly sums up the game she so perfectly played: Zsa Zsa appeared on the tonight show with a cat, and while sitting next to the desk asked host Johnny Carson, "Would you like to pet my pussy?" To which Carson allegedly replied "Sure, but first you'll have to move that damned cat."

Never happened, but it's telling. Of course had it occurred, Zsa Zsa would most likely have sued Carson for two million dollars.

For some reason, that dollar amount tends to cling to Zsa Zsa like one of her early cocktail dresses. For example:

  • In 2003, after getting into a car accident, she sued the other driver, and was awarded...two million dollars.
  • In 1993, she was found guilty of making false accusations about acress Elke Sommers and was ordered to pay her...two million dollars
  • In 2005, she accused her daughter Francesca Hilton of larceny, saying that she stole--say it with me now--two million dollars.
  • And from this quote from her husband Prince Frederic, when asked if he was selling his (adopted) family name to other people: "If someone offers you ________, you do it."
Two million bucks. Thats one million per Zsa.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: decrepit old Celery of Humanity.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Victoria "Posh" Beckham: No-Longer-Spicy Celery of Humanity

News item, from the Associated Press, dateline Los Angeles:

When Victoria Beckham moves to town, the momentous event will be recorded for television by the creator of "American Idol."

NBC has signed a deal for six episodes of a half-hour unscripted series chronicling the former Posh Spice's relocation from Europe with her soccer-star husband, David, who has signed to play with the Galaxy team here, Daily Variety said Wednesday.

The series, which may air this summer, will be produced by Simon Fuller, the "American Idol" magnate who managed the Spice Girls pop group that included Victoria Beckham, the trade paper said.

How a celebrity transfers her support system, including publicist, stylist and personal assistant, to a new town will be a focus of the show, which also is expected to include her shopping for items like a home and car, Variety reported.

Fuller said he was interested in a series with Beckham before the family's move to America was announced.

"For the past few years, I've been inundated with requests to make a show based on Victoria's real life. After much thought, we have finally decided to do it," with NBC as partner, he told Variety.

Beckham expressed enthusiasm for the project and the chance to work with Fuller again.

"This show is really something different. It's pushing the boundaries, and I think it's going to surprise a lot of people," she said.

Yes, I'm certain we can ALL relate to the trials and tribulations of relocating our stylists and publicists. This should make for some truly fascinating and educational television. Fuller was simply INUNDATED with requests to make a TV show about her!

I'm sorry, how long ago did the Spice Girls break up? She's only famous now via marriage. And for hanging around with Katie Holmes. And for having unnaturally large boobs on her frighteningly emaciated frame.

Victoria Beckham: Bland Celery of Humanity.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith: Expired Celery of Humanity

I’ve been puzzling over how best to address this subject without sounding cruel, or speaking ill of the dead. But it begs for comment.

Were you surprised when she died? I wasn’t. Not a bit. Let’s face it; she was most famous for being a train wreck.

Yeah, I remember the Guess jeans campaign. She looked amazing then. But could she possibly have become a household name just for being pretty? For being a Playboy Playmate of the year? There are loads of pretty models out there, and loads of women who pose for Playboy. I don’t see them generating the kind of attention she got (and is still getting). Wasn’t it the wacky marriage to the 1000-year-old gazillionaire that first got her into the tabloids?

And then there was the reality show. Oh my GOD. Okay, first... how'd that happen? Who at the E! channel thought this was a good idea? I must admit, though, it was hard not to watch this seemingly constantly drug-addled woman slurring her way through life with the constant presence of an assistant and her "lawyer." (What IS his deal, anyway? Is he just a Svengali? What was his real role in her life? I don’t for a second believe he’s her baby daddy. But why'd she have a lawyer with her everywhere she went?)

Did she do anything of substance during the course of this show, aside from seek out freebies and make odd public appearances? Was this really the focus of her life, or just what we were allowed to see? Actually, I remember thinking the most surprising thing about the show was how normal her son seemed. Most of the time, I sat there watching with my mouth open, stunned.

Then she generated headlines for gaining weight (I had no idea I could be famous for that. I've been missing out!) and then losing it. Yeah, I’m sure it was all about the Trimspa, baby, and no other drug that might help speed up the metabolism...

Why was she so famous? And what justifies this veritable orgy of "news" coverage of her death? I work in media, and I don't get it at all. Why are we so interested in this sad, mess of a soul?

And now, there's this, which is just horrifying. I mean, WTF??:

Anna Nicole Smith: hopefully resting in peace Celery of Humanity.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

OJ Simpson--Murderous Celery of Humanity

Sometimes people slide from a productive member of society to celery status gradually. At one time they were the hottest thing around, and then, without quite knowing how or when, they find themselves throwing fits while standing outside the velvet ropes at some posh nightclub, usually wearing clothes a decade or so too young for themselves, screaming "I'm [INSERT NAME HERE], damnit!" while his or her assistant tries to minimize the damage to the dwindling status of the faded celebrity's name.

This was to be the fate of Orenthal, before he decided to get his sunglasses back. After that fateful night, he dove headfirst into Celeryville.

Many of you may not remember OJ in his prime as a football player. He was an incredible running back. I'm a Steelers fan, but I grew up about 100 miles from Buffalo, and I watched him play football quite a bit. His first three years were unremarkable because of the horrible offensive line he was behind, but then they drafted a few pulling guards, and his season-long yardage totals went from less than 700 in 1971, to a then-record 2,oo3 yards in 1973.
Look at this shot. Look at which way his shoulders are pointed. Pretty much straight towards the line of scrimmage. Now look at
his hips. Look at where his feet are going. A split second before this was snapped, i guarantee those toes were aimed right at the photographer. How could you tackle that?

This was true OJ--no matter how hard you tried to tackle him, he always seemed to be able to get away. He wasn't the fastest, or the strongest, or even the most elusive. He was enough of all three that you couldn't pull him down.

He was just as elusive twenty-four years later.

After football, he was the perfect corporate shill, selling his athletic abilities for Hertz Rent-A-Cars, sprinting through the terminals in a way that would be sure to get him a few rubber bullets into the small of his back today. Go, OJ! Go!

He also acted in a few movies not quite bad enough to be legendary, and did a quite a bit of sideline commentary for football games. Then, in 1988, he portrayed Detective Nordberg in The Naked Gun, and he enjoyed a revival of sorts with his surprisingly deft physical comedy, and he went on to appear in both sequels, each time getting the shit knocked out of him in a series of humorous episodes.

The one thing about OJ's post-football career that stands out to me is the following: he did everything he could to be safe. His entire image was predicated on the fact that he was a friendly, funny, intelligent, caring--but mostly, safe--black man.

As far as I can tell OJ Simpson did little to help other African-Americans unless they were also running backs from USC. He spent most of his public time as a spokesperson or a persona affiliated with mostly white endeavors. The neighborhood in which he lived was also a primarily white enclave. This is not to say that he wasn't proud of his African heritage. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. But the color he was most attracted to was green.

Perhaps it was this shallowness that drove his wife, Nicole Brown, away from him. Whatever it was, it didn't seem to sit well with OJ.

If you were alive in the mid-nineties, you know the rest. OJ used all his privilege and money to portray himeself as a poor black man, and escaped prison, but not civil judgement. Nor did he fare well in the court of public opinion, where he will forever be a pariah.

But none of this is what brings CofH status to Orenthal. It's his refusal to go quietly into that extremely expensive good night. Right after his acquital, he announced he was going to devote the rest of his life to finding the killer of his wife and Ronald Coleman. Apparently, he believes they are hiding on some golf course somewhere. Even then, had he made his obligatory statement and hid from the public, it wouldn't have mattered.

What matters is that he still pops up every damned opportunity that he can. For a long time, it seemed as if he had actually convinced himself that he was innocent. But then, he wrote a book, and was about to appear in a special, where he would tell us how he killed two people, but only hypothetically.

Of all the things written and said about OJ Simpson, I think that the most succinct and accurate statement was made by the sports radio personality Jim Rome, who said:

"Do us all a favor, OJ: Go straight to hell."

OJ Simpson: the deadliest celery of humanity.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Britney Spears: Bald-headed Celery of Humanity

Once upon a time shaving your head and getting a few tats wasn't considered news. It was considered being a Marine.

She might as well go Semper Fi--she hasn't had a hit album in several years, and the only one to chart in the past few was a bunch of remixes.

It's interesting to see what drops by the wayside when distilling the essence of pop culture. Let's compare Britney with Christina Aguilera. Both became popular at almost exactly the same time. Both swapped spit with Madonna on MTV. Christina's newest album went to #1, and the third single from it is still charting on Billboard.

But take a look at this:

The one with the critically acclaimed, immensely popular record is getting less than forty precent of the publicity that Commando Britney's getting. Yeah, it's probably not fair comparing them the week Britney decides to go all Sinead on us, but then again, why should a haircut make so much news?

Another interesting aspect is the reasons I've been hearing. One rumor is that this is for some sort of performance piece--a music video or something. Another was that she doesn't want to be a sex symbol anymore. Do either of these excuses ring true to any of you?

Me neither.

One time Mousketeer/Former Jailbait Popstar/Current GI Jane Britney Spears: Another stalk on the celery of humanity.