Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Donald Trump: Arrogant Celery of Humanity

Can you think of any other real estate developer who has the kind of fame Donald Trump enjoys?

Let's not forget: long before he became a "reality" TV star, he was primarily a real estate developer. So how'd he become a household name outside of New York?

Was it the cheating on wife number one? The subsequent dumping of wife number two? The astonishingly scary hair? The odd manner in which he speaks? The constant loud blathering and harsh criticism of others?

And how is it that he's managed to convince three women to marry him? I know, I know. Money. Power. Fame. Plenty of women dig that. I still don't get it. Hell, I'd love to live a comfortable life, too... but spending time with the likes of him seems far too high a price to pay for that.

I'd suggest that someone who feels the need to put his name on all these products is compensating for some kind of shortcoming:

  • Donald J. Trump Men's Collection
    Trump Ice bottled water
    Trump Vodka
    Trump Magazine
    Trump Golf
    Trump Old Fashioned Ice Cream Parlor (in Trump Tower, NY, NY)
    Trump Bar (in Trump Tower, NY, NY)
    Trump Buffet (in Trump Tower, NY, NY)
    Trump University
    Trump The Game (1989 Board Game)

Not to mention all the buildings that bear his name.

Do you think he keeps his hair looking so hideous because of all the attention it gets? You know, in that "all publicity is good publicity" kind of way?

I'll admit it; I watched the first season of "The Apprentice," as millions of others did. I even enjoyed it, moreso when he was not on camera. He was not part of the appeal for me. So I'm at a loss to explain why anyone cares about what he says or does or marries or battles.

Donald Trump: Blowhard Celery of Humanity.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Zsa Zsa Gabor--Old Skool Celery of Humanity

Yeah, I know--she's on the far side of 90 and has had a stroke, but we should probably celebrate the original celery of the celebrity age.

Where to begin? So much modern culture has passed between her legs. Her first lover may have been a man who created a country. Her latest (and God willing, last) lover may have created Anna Nicole's baby.

And in between, she did the horizontal mambo with Paris Hilton's Great-Granddaddy, the original Urbane Villain, and the most successful toy inventor of the last fifty years.

That's a lot of fucking.

Yes, Zsa Za listed her profession as an actress, and she was, of sorts. Mostly, she played herself. She made a living out of turning what most would consider bad behavior into press coverage. Even when she boorishly slapped a cop in the early 1990's, she turned that into a few acting gigs. But, she did--especially early on--play other sorts of roles. However, she wasn't very good.

How bad was she? Well, her career took second place to her sister Eva's, who was best known for having a pig as a costar.

Zsa Zsa's career is based solely on what she could bring to the bedroom.

But it was a strange brand of sexuality that she brought to the media. TV was all about sex in the 1960's, but it could never be mentioned. Sex was the original elephant in the room, and that sort of attitude fit Zsa Zsa to a tee.

There's the apocryphal story of an early-sixties appearance on The Tonight Show that, while most likely false, truly sums up the game she so perfectly played: Zsa Zsa appeared on the tonight show with a cat, and while sitting next to the desk asked host Johnny Carson, "Would you like to pet my pussy?" To which Carson allegedly replied "Sure, but first you'll have to move that damned cat."

Never happened, but it's telling. Of course had it occurred, Zsa Zsa would most likely have sued Carson for two million dollars.

For some reason, that dollar amount tends to cling to Zsa Zsa like one of her early cocktail dresses. For example:

  • In 2003, after getting into a car accident, she sued the other driver, and was awarded...two million dollars.
  • In 1993, she was found guilty of making false accusations about acress Elke Sommers and was ordered to pay her...two million dollars
  • In 2005, she accused her daughter Francesca Hilton of larceny, saying that she stole--say it with me now--two million dollars.
  • And from this quote from her husband Prince Frederic, when asked if he was selling his (adopted) family name to other people: "If someone offers you ________, you do it."
Two million bucks. Thats one million per Zsa.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: decrepit old Celery of Humanity.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Victoria "Posh" Beckham: No-Longer-Spicy Celery of Humanity

News item, from the Associated Press, dateline Los Angeles:

When Victoria Beckham moves to town, the momentous event will be recorded for television by the creator of "American Idol."

NBC has signed a deal for six episodes of a half-hour unscripted series chronicling the former Posh Spice's relocation from Europe with her soccer-star husband, David, who has signed to play with the Galaxy team here, Daily Variety said Wednesday.

The series, which may air this summer, will be produced by Simon Fuller, the "American Idol" magnate who managed the Spice Girls pop group that included Victoria Beckham, the trade paper said.

How a celebrity transfers her support system, including publicist, stylist and personal assistant, to a new town will be a focus of the show, which also is expected to include her shopping for items like a home and car, Variety reported.

Fuller said he was interested in a series with Beckham before the family's move to America was announced.

"For the past few years, I've been inundated with requests to make a show based on Victoria's real life. After much thought, we have finally decided to do it," with NBC as partner, he told Variety.

Beckham expressed enthusiasm for the project and the chance to work with Fuller again.

"This show is really something different. It's pushing the boundaries, and I think it's going to surprise a lot of people," she said.

Yes, I'm certain we can ALL relate to the trials and tribulations of relocating our stylists and publicists. This should make for some truly fascinating and educational television. Fuller was simply INUNDATED with requests to make a TV show about her!

I'm sorry, how long ago did the Spice Girls break up? She's only famous now via marriage. And for hanging around with Katie Holmes. And for having unnaturally large boobs on her frighteningly emaciated frame.

Victoria Beckham: Bland Celery of Humanity.