Zsa Zsa Gabor--Old Skool Celery of Humanity

Yeah, I know--she's on the far side of 90 and has had a stroke, but we should probably celebrate the original celery of the celebrity age.

Where to begin? So much modern culture has passed between her legs. Her first lover may have been a man who created a country. Her latest (and God willing, last) lover may have created Anna Nicole's baby.

And in between, she did the horizontal mambo with Paris Hilton's Great-Granddaddy, the original Urbane Villain, and the most successful toy inventor of the last fifty years.

That's a lot of fucking.

Yes, Zsa Za listed her profession as an actress, and she was, of sorts. Mostly, she played herself. She made a living out of turning what most would consider bad behavior into press coverage. Even when she boorishly slapped a cop in the early 1990's, she turned that into a few acting gigs. But, she did--especially early on--play other sorts of roles. However, she wasn't very good.

How bad was she? Well, her career took second place to her sister Eva's, who was best known for having a pig as a costar.

Zsa Zsa's career is based solely on what she could bring to the bedroom.

But it was a strange brand of sexuality that she brought to the media. TV was all about sex in the 1960's, but it could never be mentioned. Sex was the original elephant in the room, and that sort of attitude fit Zsa Zsa to a tee.

There's the apocryphal story of an early-sixties appearance on The Tonight Show that, while most likely false, truly sums up the game she so perfectly played: Zsa Zsa appeared on the tonight show with a cat, and while sitting next to the desk asked host Johnny Carson, "Would you like to pet my pussy?" To which Carson allegedly replied "Sure, but first you'll have to move that damned cat."

Never happened, but it's telling. Of course had it occurred, Zsa Zsa would most likely have sued Carson for two million dollars.

For some reason, that dollar amount tends to cling to Zsa Zsa like one of her early cocktail dresses. For example:

• In 2003, after getting into a car accident, she sued the other driver, and was awarded...two million dollars.
• In 1993, she was found guilty of making false accusations about acress Elke Sommers and was ordered to pay her...two million dollars
• In 2005, she accused her daughter Francesca Hilton of larceny, saying that she stole--say it with me now--two million dollars.
• And from this quote from her husband Prince Frederic, when asked if he was selling his (adopted) family name to other people: "If someone offers you ________, you do it."

Two million bucks. Thats one million per Zsa.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: decrepit old Celery of Humanity.